(Stage directions and interpretations of character reactions are parenthesized)
Narration and asides are in italics
[Commentary by the editor is bracketed]
Enjoy!
Bandits: (celebrating around campfire) Yargharghbottomsupargh!
Boss: (big bald dude in armor and a fuzzy pink vest) All right you apes! Good work! Here's some of that loot we got! (tosses money. Bandits go nuts) It's days like this that make me glad I became a bandit!
Fireball: (I am big and sparkly and I will DESTROY YOU ALL!)
Bandits: Whoa!
Fireball: (Well, I warned you.)
Bandits: OWIE!! (only more manly-like)
Boss: What the hell?
Bandit: Boss! Over there!
Boss; (clutches head) WAUGH!
Lina: (appears out of fireball with adorable smile and giggles briefly)
Boss: You---you--you! That rotten little magic-using bandit killer--LINA INVERSE
Lina: That's me! (fireball)
Boss, encampment, and surrounding mountain: (crispy)
Lina: And thus Lina Inverse, the sorcery genius, lives as a warrior to defeat the tyranny of evil bandit gangs. This one den of wickedness is destroyed. (continues to scoop treasure into a bag) But so long as evil exists in this world, (picks up statue of what looks like a priestess, sparkly-eyes) Lina's battle will never end. Keep fighting, Lina! Never say die, Lina!
Boss: (is still crispy) That's OUR treasure! --Auk.
Scene: The forest is lovely and cool
Birds: Chirp chirp chirp (translation: BACK OFF, JACK, THIS HERE'S MY CHICK!)
Lina: I've been followed. I just helped myself to a *little* of their treasure, and now they're just never gonna leave me alone!
Lina: Looks like I'm surrounded. (Positions herself) Why don't you just come out?
Bandit: We've finally got you, girl! (shiny light on curvy blade) You think you can make fools of us?! Huh, you little witch?!
Lina: (is disappointed) Boy, talk about lousy lines. Now, look, pal..,
Bandit: I've come to carve a little payback out of you! (sheathes sword) At least I was. But I really don't want to fight you.
Lina: Aa-sou! Well, in that case, bye.
Bandit: (drops to knees and tugs her cloak) Whoa! Hold on! Only because you'd stomp my ass in a regular fight.
Lina: Well, buddy, (sits) you're not a total idiot, then, are you?
Bandit: You got balls, kid. Of course, being a girl you really don't have balls! NAHAHAHA!
Lina: (resigned) Definitely no class. But you really can't expect any class from bandits, can you? Eh? (notices bandits hiding badly)
Bandit: You were a real pro back there! Just flying in with that fancy magic and blowing us all away! And then offing the boss with that human torch number. And then nabbing all our loot before we even knew it. Hell, even WE wouldn't go that far!
Lina: (standing. Smile now has an anticipatory edge) No rights for the wicked!
Bandit: What?! (recovers) Look, the reason I originally followed you out here for was so I could kill you and avenge the boss.
Lina: (a little lost) Buddy, what are you trying to say?
Bandit: Come on, how about you join up with us in the Dragon Fangs?
Lina: (eyebrow) Dragon Fangs? Are you kidding? I don't associate with criminals. (starts to walk away)
Bandit: (springs to feet) Just give us our loot and join us and everything before will be water under the bridge. Come on, it's not such a bad deal.
Lina: I'm bad, but not bad enough to join a bunch of bandits.
Bandit: Well, I just love a girl who knows what she wants.
Lina: Who does this guy think he is? REAL men are princes who come riding in on white horses. Forget it!
Bandit: You little bitch! I offer you a deal, and you--Get ready to die!
Lina: (raises finger, as for spell--points it at him...) Now, THAT's stock dialogue.
Bandit: Get out here, guys!
Bandits: Aaargh, aargh, gau grah.
Lina: This is it? Not many of you, are there?
Bandit: What? This isn't all of us! Listen, I've got guys in the woods who, on my word, will rush out and chop you into mincemeat! Now apologize, and maybe we'll let you live.
Lina: Hn!
Bandit: You little...! We'll teach you to mess with the Dragon Fangs!
Blonde Merc: Chotto matta! (he really says matta.)
Bandit and Lina: eh?
Merc: (draws sword like no one in the history of D&D has ever drawn a sword before. And his eyes are sort of grey-aqua) You'll do no such thing. You bandit scum--why don't you turn tail and run while you can? Do that and maybe I'll let you all live.
Bandit: Shaddup! Stay outta this! Who the hell are you?
Merc: I have no name to give to the likes of you! (eyes are now chimera-blue. Teeth glint.)
Bandit: NANI??!
Lina: (hands behind head, looks vaguely alert, then disappointed) Great, so now it's the Battle of the Cliche Men.
Bandit: You sonuva--Okay, we'll start with you, first! Get him, guys!
Merc: (swish, swish) Aaaaauuuuuaaaah!
Lina: I'll help! Oh, wait, the heroine's supposed to be all scared and shrieky here. Gotta play the part right! KYYYYAAAAAAA! TASUKETE!!!! Help me please KYAAAA!
Bandits: (whimper and writhe)
Merc: (picks bandit up. Throws him into the air. Slices his clothes off. In midair.)
Lina: (stares) Ack! (blushes)
Bandit: (runs away clutching himself)
Lina: hanyan... Not too shabby.
(Lei and Rezo fangirls wave Shabby flags)
Merc: (stands up from follow-through and turns like the Ponderous Blond Prince of Melodramatic Blondeness)
Merc: Are you all right? (bats eyes. No, really) --Gauk! (lurches forward like zombie in disbelief)
Lina: (smirks, primps) 'Dazzled by my beauty--I shouldn't be surprised. If there's one thing I have confidence in, it's my looks. My big round eyes, my cute li'l face, and this slim little extra-petite body...
Merc: Mou...
Lina: (looks kinda doped) He sighs with admiration.
Merc: Great. It's a kid. With everything going on, I thought she'd be a real babe. Instead it's some wide-eyed, flat-chested little brat. (droops like Sturm UND Drang wearing a mop. And yes, he said 'gaki.')
Lina: dougan???!!! Well, I'm kinda short for my age, and a little underdeveloped, too. K'so, hidoi, they always find the stuff you're sensitive about!
Merc: And I thought she'd have a good figure, too.
Lina: Times like this I wish my hearing wasn't quite so good. Does he think I can't hear him grumbling?
Merc: Man, am I out of luck!
Lina: K'so! I wasn't even in any danger, but I should thank him. I was brought up to be polite, after all.
Lina: (pours on the saccharine with a firehose) Gee, thanks for saving me!
Merc: (sighing) Oh, no need for any thanks. (She comes up to about the bottom of his breastplates) [continues in unsubtitled Japanese, including 'ojouchan']
Lina: ...Little girl?
Merc: It's dangerous for girls to go out walking alone. Were you with your daddy or anyone?
Lina: (growls, happy face) No, I'm alone.
Merc: That's too dangerous. Yosh! Why don't you let me walk you home?
Lina: ANOU...
Merc: which way's your house?
Lina: AnouNE.
Merc: This way?
Lina: CHOtto maTTE! Uh, heh, ya, iya. Uh, anou. I'm traveling alone. I was headed for Atlas City. Wanna take me there? ...(aside) He can't be buying this.
Merc: SOU ka! Mmm, SOU ka! (his eyes are almost Sylphiel-green) Oh, you poor thing. (includes taihen)
Merc: (drops to his knees and slams his mitts down on her shoulders. She is totally nonplussed) I understand. I understand perfectly! So many hardships for you to endure.
Lina: Ya, uh, iya, it's really nothing for me--
Merc: No. No need to say anything. I understand.
Lina: Anou ne! I just like to travel around and see things, okay?
Merc: (transfixes her with his baby-grey-greens) YOSH! I'll take you to Atlas City.
Lina: oioioioi!
Merc: Yes, I understand completely. You need a friend.
Lina: (SD in her head:) Get a mitt and catch a clue! Atlas City's ten days away! And if I spend that much time with 'oniichan' here, I'll get a stomach ache from all the stress!
Merc: Yooooosh! Now that we've got straight, let's be off! (then looks up at the sky off to the left with this cute, mild expression that is totally uncharacteristic and I swear I've seen it on Zel.)
Lina: (teeth gritted, head in hands) It's not straight, it's positively BENT!
Merc: Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Gourry, and as you can see I'm a traveling warrior. A mercenary.
Lina: eh? Oh, well, he looks like a decent sort of guy. He seems to be genuinely concerned about me.
Gourry: Why don't I get you something off the kiddy menu in the next village?
Lina: (not unpleasantly resigned) Guess I'll deal with it.
Gourry: Oh, I forgot to ask. Ojouchan, what's your name?
Lina: Lina. My name's Lina Inverse.
Scene: Inn's common room
Lina: So, what should I get?
Gourry: It's my treat. Get whatever you like.
Lina: REALLY??! Okay, I'll have everything from here to here.
Waiter: (the haircut he stole from Dragonball Z bounces) Everything?!
Gourry: (totally unfazed) I'll have... thisandthisandthisandthis. Triple portions.
Waiter: (has a heart attack) TRIPLE PORTIONS??!
Lina and Gourry: Scromf scromf slurp munch SCROMFNNNGNNGNGN! (fight over roast beef)
Scene: mountain cage.
Dragon: (gets hungry and, having more sense than Goku, blows his pop stand)
Scene: Inn's common room.
Lina: Ahhh, I'm full.
Gourry: there's still some soup left.
[Fans: stare in astonishment]
Gourry: Help yourself.
Lina: Oh, no way, it'd be bad. My stomach's ready to burst. (clutches her hernia-like bulge)
Gourry: Sou ka... it's halfway out to your breasts.
Lina; What was that?!
Gourry: (meekly) iya, betsuni.
Elder: pardon me, good travelers. I am Saman, elder of this village. Would you by any chance be Lina Inverse, the famous sorcery genius?
Lina: (modest) Oh, well...
Gourry: (SD) What?? You're a sorceress?
Lina: AnouNE! Can 't you tell what people are? Didn't the outfit give you a clue?
Gourry: (peers at her, sits back and grins with hand behind head) I took you for a fishmonger or a waitress or something. (my translation says 'I thought you were,' but come on! I took you for a fishmonger!)
Lina: (facevaults into coffee, bounces back) What kind of waitress wears this? Are you blind or just stupid?
Sanam: A-nou. Excuse me. May I continue? We have need for the famous bandit killer, Lina Inverse, Dramatta.
Gourry: You're famous, aren't you?
Lina: Hold on. Bandit killer I can understand, but why Dragon Spooker?
Sanam: It s short for Dragons Step Past Out Of Clear Revulsion (SPOOCR, get it? ^_^)
Lina: (attacks him with chair) SAY WHAT?
Gourry: (grabs it) I know how you feel, but don't!
Sanam: I didn't make it up! I heard it from other people, I swear!
Lina: (puts chair down) Okay, what do you want from me?
Sanam: Well,, this village has been hit by a bandit gang lately
Lina: You mean the dragon fangs?
Sanam: Oh, you know about them?
Lina: In that case, I've already taken care of them.
Sanam: You what?
Lina: I got most of them yesterday, and this guy took care of the rest.
Gourry (expression bounces from don't-bring-me-into-it to who-the-hell-did-I-just-hook-up-with to simple-wonder) Eh? Aaah, you mean those guys from before? (and in a manner comparable to Leonard Nimoy's first Fascinating, Captain, the Gourry we know is born)
Sanam: (rears back) You managed to kill the black dragon?
Lina Haaah?
Sanam: Those bandits were keeping that black dragon as a pet, and our soldiers couldn't fight it. We had to do whatever they wanted. You mean you--you are truly great, Inverse-sama!
Lina and Gourry: (blink at each other)
Sanam: I'll tell everyone the good news! (dashes off)
Gourry: Did you kill the dragon?
Lina: Uh-uh. Didn't know they had one.
Gourry: You mean that dragon--IS JUST RUNNING WILD??!!
Lina: Aa!
Gourry: What are we going to do?
Lina: I d'no. It's not our problem. YOU wanna go hunting a dragon that's god-knows-where?
Gourry: (repelled by the thought, shaking his head) Ehhh!
Someone: It's the dragon!
Dragon: (breaks the window in passing)
Sanam: (dashes back) You didn't kill the dragon! What's the meaning of this?
Lina: I never said I killed it. I said I took care of the Dragon Fangs.
Sanam: ..Bakana... How could you not kill it?
Lina: I didn't know it was there. (duh)
Sanam: Oh, lord...
Dragon: (swoop)
Town: (smashed)
Lina: How much are you willing to pay?
Sanam: Eh?
Lina: How much for me to kill the dragon for you?
Sanam: Twenty gold pieces.
Lina: Thirty.
(Gourry Is Above All This. Some mercenary.)
Sanam: Too much!
Lina: You want me to kill it before it wrecks your village?
Sanam: Twenty-five?
Gourry: Oi, oi.
Lina: Necessity drives a hard bargain.
Gourry: The gal's slick!
Scene: A cliff. With dragon.
Lina: It's huge! Where'd a bunch of bandits get that thing?
Sanam: The Dragon Fang's boss bought it when he was a boy from a booth at a festival. For three bronze pieces.
Lina: Three bronze?! Must have been some festival!
Sanam: He was small enough to hold at first, But he apparently grew. He must have loved it like a son to raise it to that size.
Gourry: A dragon who can appreciate human affection...
Lina: This is no time to start admiring it!
Dragon: (fire breath)
Sanam: (is crispy)
Lina: It's dangerous out here. You'd better go hide. Ara... mou, too late. Let's do it,, Gourry!
Gourry: Uh?
Lina: (showing off her chest to great effect) Fireball!
Dragon: (Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries!)
Lina: That didn't work at all? Well then--
Gourry: YAAAAAAAAA! (charges)
Lina: Eh?
Gourry: (bounces)
Lina: Hey! Get off me! You're way heavy! Here it comes! Get off me!
Gourry: (is out)
Dragon: (steps past out of clear revulsion. Probably either Luna-related or due to black magic aura)
Gourry: You really are a dragon spooker.
Lina: (punches him in the face. To dragon) Konoyarou! How dare you embarrass me like that!? I'll take you out with one shot! Levitation!
Gourry: (behaves as though he is distressed, but it's not a rey wing, so how'd he get high enough to grab her ankle in the first place?)
Lina: I'll distract him. Go get 'im, Gourry! (kicks him off)
Gourry: (sticks dragon in snout. Ow.)
Dragon: (You goin' down, Blondie! First I gon' make you sick to yo' stomach...)
Gourry: YAaaAAAA!
Dragon: (Then I gon' toast yo' cute li'l blue bootsies)
Gourry: Yikes!
Dragon: (Then I gon' toast MINES!)
Lina: Darkness beyond twilight, crimson beyond flow of blood, buried in the flow of time... (if you haven't read Irony-chan's translation, good lord, do so)...
Gourry: Wauk! (scampers amid flame) Lina, I'll get you for this!
Lina: In thy great name, I pledge myself to darkness! All the fools who stand in our way shall be destroyed by the power you and I possess!
Lina: (smirks)
Lina: Dragon Slave!
Gourry: AAAAAAAAAWK!
Lina: (lands next to crumpled mercenary) Howja like that?! The most powerful spell in all black magic! The power of my sure-kill Dragon Slave
[Rezo and Phibrizzo fans: blow raspberries]
Gourry: (eyes are azure.) Don't do that without warning me first.
Lina: Makes everything turn out all right!
Gourry: Omae na... (had previously been calling her kimi)
Sanam: Like hell it's all right! (staggers crispily out of rubble)
Lina: Ah! Sanam-san. Don't forget the money you promised me.
Sanam: Like hell I'll pay! (capers like angry leprechaun) What about our village?
Village: (is beyond totaled)
Gourry: (jaw drops. Stunned by house-studded crater)
Lina: (nods satisfaction) Yeah, the Dragon Slave's pretty powerful, isn't it?
Sanam: It's TOO powerful!
Lina: Ha! Yeah, I guess so. Well, I think I'll... let you handle this! (runs)
Gourry: O-o-oi!
Villagers: (have pickaxes)
Gourry: Heheheh... (runs)
Villagers: (also have hoes and pitchforks and stuff)
Lina and Gourry: (still running)
Gourry: This is all your fault, Dramatta!
Lina; EuhH'HEE...Da!
end ep
Email: Nightfall@suntemple.org