(Stage directions and interpretations of character reactions are parenthesized)
Narration and asides are in italics
[Commentary by the editor is bracketed]
Enjoy!
Scene: a round stone room with a broken window. It's night.
Lina: Feels like there's a hundred bees buzzing in my head...
Zolf: So, you're awake now.
Lina: Zolf! (she's dangling from the ceiling by the wrists, and can't get out)
Dilgear: No use trying to struggle. (Yup, he's there, too. And Zel.)
Zel: Seems we overestimated you, ojouchan.
It's a big room, with huge doors, and pillars set into the walls have robed people carved in them. In fact, it's a big manse, with lots of additions and roofed in red. It would probably look better in daylight. Or last century. The few trees by the house are bare and twisted. There's a mountain range behind a nearby conifer forest. Senior Merc and his Big Ax are alertly guarding the door.. Back in the tower room...
Lina: That's right, they caught me. Where's Gourry?!
Dilgear: That guy who was with you ran off after he heard we'd got you.
Zolf: (overstimulated) Dumped you, huh, little girl?
Lina: (would shrug if she could use her shoulders. Her toes almost brush the floor) Guess so.
Zolf: (Is being almost as melodramatic as his Dracula-cloak) Oh, there's still some life in you? You look pretty calm.
Dilgear: Anyway, let's cut to the chase. Apparently, we were wrong to assume you were carrying it. (Gets in her face) Where's the Orihalcon statue?
Lina: (not particularly pleasant smile) Saa ne.
Zel: You gave it to that man, is that it?
Lina: So now what?
Zel: What confuses me is our losing track of the statue. How did you do it?
Lina: (flat-out and sassy) I slap a protection spell on everything like that.
Zel: Protection?! (is astonished)
Lina: I figured you were using magic to track that thing. But with that spell on it, you'll never be able to find where it is.
Zel: (still shocked) You can do that?!
Lina: (is all proud) Maa ne.
Zel: (honestly curious) So why did you use such feeble tricks against me when we fought?
Lina: (droops. Comes up from it furiously embarrassed, with fangs) I didn't even give you a taste of my true power!
Zel: (is enjoying this puzzle) You don't seem like an idiot. But why use such weak tricks against me? (pause) Sou ka. It's that time of the month.
Lina: Lay off!
Dilgear and Zolf: (look at each other and sweatdrop)
Zel: (bored again) In any case, we'll have to keep you alive until we recover the orihalcon statue. Zolf. Do whatever you want with her. Just don't kill her. [Editor's Note: the following scene is vastly different in the manga and novel. The novel version is below (I don't have the manga and I won't have it while it's this overpriced, and that's the end of it).]
Zolf: (would be rubbing his hands together if they weren't burned) Yessir, I understand perfectly. (Cordial) Now then, little lady, for all the grief you've caused me, I'd like to thank you with a little payback!
Lina: (BOOT TO THE HEAD!)
Zolf: (footprint on his bandages, eyes tearing) Guess I'm gonna have to teach you a painful lesson. Dilgear!
Dilgear: Huh? What?
Zolf: (deadly) Smile.
Dilgear: Huh? Uh... like this? (adorable friendly grin. With green tongue.)
Zolf: (sticks his thumbs between Dilgear's gums and cheeks and starts tugging) No, you numbskull! Like this!
Dilgear: Hey--quibbit! Cuh ih ow!
Lina: (astonished blink.)
Zel: (also looks taken aback, if you know Zel; his feet are wide apart, his shoulders are down, and his hair looks a little more frazzled than usual)
Zolf: (struggles with Dilgear's protesting face, grows frustrated, smartly kicks him in the shin.)
Dilgear: NAAAAARGH! (fang glistens, but his eyes are rolling and tearing. Continues to make painful noises)
Zolf: (brings Dilgear's face down to Lina's head.)
Lina: (Are you kidding?)
Zolf: You keep jerking us around and these teeth get used!
Dilgear: (whimpers)
Lina: (appalled) Anou... ne-e-e-e...
Zolf: (triumphant) Now, unless you want to get ripped to shreds, you come clean and tell the boss where the statue is!
Lina: (sad and anxious) The Orihalcon's... (mutter mutter)
Zolf: (casts Dilgear aside, cups ear, moves closer) Come on, speak up! What is it?
Lina: Ori-orihalcon's (whisper whisper)
Zolf: WHAT?! (leans really close)
Lina: Well... GHUYAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Zolf: (is propelled backwards by force of bellow. Ceiling tile falls and hits him right on the head and he tears up)
Dilgear: (mouth is still sore)
Zel: (Did that just happen??!)
Lina: Yihihihaaa! Oh, man, you fell for it! What a yutz!
Zolf: (hysterical) A yutz?! That's it! No more mister nice guy! Noonsa! Hey, Noonsa!
Voice: (rumbles through castle)
Lina: (now actually scared.)
Noonsa: Is it my turn? (his echoey voice is deep and growly)
Lina: (starts to hyperventilate)
Noonsa: (roars again. Doors creak slowly open, and a torrent of water rushed out of them)
Lina: (braces)
Enter: Fish head!
Lina: Hngaaaaan!?!
Frame! Spindly legs with feet fit for a clown's shoe.
Frame! Spindly, rubbery arms with limp fingers!
Frame! Blue and black striped fish back with a spiny dorsal fin!
Frame! Two yellow and black eyes like plates and a face like a trout!
Noonsa: (strikes a pose as only the most dignified of fishmen can)
Lina: (eyes wooble. Screams and leans away hard as Noonsa bounds over) Aiyaiyaiyai! Ah-yaiyaiyaiah!
Zolf: (evil encouragement) Noonsa! Give the girl a kiss!
Lina: (eyes fountaining in horror and disbelief) A KISS?!
Noonsa: Hey, you'll love it. Getting a kiss from me, the handsomest guy in my tribe? (his voice is considerably less deep now that he's in the room)
Lina: (a little hysterical) Who the hell said you were handsome?!
Noonsa: (puckers up) Chuuuu!
Lina: (continues to recoil) Get away! Don't even touch me!
Noonsa: Chuu! Chuu! Chuu!
Lina: (screams. The sound is heard far and near)
Dilgear: Whoa! Deep kiss!
Noonsa: (has Lina's whole head in his mouth)
Lina: (struggling frantically, shoves Noonsa away with her boot. Her face is covered in fish drool) Ogod, the smell...!
Noonsa: (is in love)
Lina: Haaaaai! (kicks Noonsa into Zolf and Dilgear)
Guys: Owwww...
Zolf: (springs to his feet) Just shut up!
Lina: (outraged but calmer) What kind of way is that to treat a girl?! You gangly, knock-kneed, third-rate magic-using mummy man!
Zolf: (incensed. Flames spring up around him) Th-th-third rate?! Why, you--NOBODY CALLS ME THAT!
Dilgear: (stops him from ripping Lina's head off) Whoa, Zolf, man! Just chill, will you?
Zolf: Ooh, it's too late for that.
Dilgear: (bites his lip anxiously)
Zolf: I'm gonna show her hell!
Lina: (bright and angry) I'd like to see you tr--
Zolf: (stuffs something white in her mouth) That's enough out of you, missy. Now, prepare yourself!
Lina: mphmph!
Zolf: (approaches, looms, fists on hips) ...Little runt.
Lina: --Hmgn??
Zolf: Pig face.
Lina: Mgh?!
Zolf: Flat-chest. (starts to dance around her) Shrew! Saucer-eyed egomaniac! Is that really your nose? And what's with that hair?
Dilgear: (cannot believe his ears, and kinda dazed and lost) Man, that's hitting below the belt.
Zel: (wide-eyed blink) Oah...
Zolf: If I'm third-rate, then you're FIFTH rate! Baka! Baka!
Lina: MMMGGGH?!! HMMMHHHHH!!!!
Scene: A quiet town, still night. Some of the houses have wooden roofs, but most are thatched. The streets are laid with cobblestones, and there are a few people in the streets. A redheaded woman in a yellow shirt and dark red skort and trousers with a bag of groceries is talking to a friend.
Gourry: Lina: (turns her around by the shoulder)
Woman: (turns, swirly-eyed under her glasses)
Gourry: Oh, not her. Lina definitely isn't stacked THAT well. (Stares for a minute)
Girls: EEEEEE! PERVERT!
Gourry: (belatedly alarmed) O-o-o-oi!
Woman: (smacks the heck out of him) What's the big idea!?
Gourry: (is down)
Scene: An inn's dining area. People are eating casual meals with big-bottomed green bottles, presumably of alcohol. It's kind of dark and the walls could use a wash, but the waitress looks reputable enough.
Gourry: (comes in with Man On A Mission face and heads straight for the bar)
Barkeep: (is shaking a tumbler of something. Behind him, the bottles are all different shaped, but all with the heavy bottoms and long thin necks)
Gourry: (sits on stool in front of him, sighs, pulls crumpled paper out of his pocket.) Bartender, have you seen this girl around here?
Barkeep: You kidding? I don't know any mazoku.
Gourry: (astonished) Eh? Mazoku? (looks at picture)
Frame! Fire-breathing snaggle-toothed yellow-eyed Lina-zilla on the rampage!
Gourry: (sad) I thought I drew it to look just like her... (despair)
Barkeep: Hey, calm down. Drink this. (pours him a glass of milk) You'll feel better.
Gourry: (takes milk, holds it like red wine) I don't get it. Where'd she go? Now, let's see...
Flashback: Zel casts flare arrow, Lina and Gourry dodge, Rodimus and Dilgear attack, Gourry blocks, Lina scampers, Zel follows.
Gourry: We got separated, and then...
Flashback: Gourry faces off with Rodimus and Dilgear. Zel's signal flare goes off. Dilgear and Rodimus explain why they no longer need to fight Gourry now that Zel has Lina, and leave.
Gourry: But why did they just suddenly run off like that? Hmm....
Gourry: (lightbulb) Of course! They must have captured Lina! That's it! (is pleased with self) This is no time to pat myself on the back!!! (horror) This is a disaster! (despair)
Scene: Back at the manse, still night. There's a crescent moon up. Rodimus is nodding at the front door, with big ax.
Sfx: CLING! ...JANGLE! ...CHIME!
Rodimus: (is briefly very alert indeed, but drops off almost immediately)
Scene: A tower in the manse. A stone room with a broken window. Zel's stretched out with his boots on on a wooden bench, possibly a pew. One doubts he draped the sheet over himself that neatly, especially since he appears to have his arms folded under it. His sword is propped up neatly against the wall, in easy reach. His cloak, somewhat less neatly, has been slung over the back of the bench. He's sweating and making little protesting noises in his sleep.
Flashback: Zel, younger and with human skin, swinging a sword in a black and purple mist. He's barefoot, wearing a dark blue t-shirt and with a sweater around his shoulders and the usual double-belt around his waist, and his hair is sort of raisin-colored. He's practicing combat moves, not fencing; nothing fancy, but plenty of power.
Zel: (sweating) I want to be strong! Strong! Strong!
SFX: CLING! JANGLE! CHIME!
Rezo: (silhouetted in a red glow, looking remarkably foreboding, smirking humbly)
Zel: (gasps)
Rezo: (teleports nearer in ports of about three feet at a time)
Zel: (is transfixed)
Rezo: (has seen the joke of the universe and is kind of resigned to it)
Rezo: (his robes turn into a tentacle-monster and envelop Zel. He brings his staff down once. There is red electricity)
Zel: (a lot of trying not to scream. His feet turn grey and sprout rocky bits. Hands, too. His hair turns to wire and his ears go pointy. Does scream, in a strangled kind of way)
Scene: Back in the tower room. Zel sits up, still sweating, panting hard. Is fully dressed, except for the cloak. Stares at his hands for a minute, fists them.
Zel: Damn you, Rezo...
Scene: Main tower. Lina's still hanging from the ceiling, Zolf and Dilgear are sacked out on the floor.
Lina: (asleep) Shut up, you tub of...
Zel: (appears behind her) Be quiet. (draws sword)
Lina: (gasps)
Zel: (Cuts her free)
Lina: (is down. And astonished) Why?
Zel: (Resolve Face. Tosses her her sword and cloak)
Lina: (scrambles to get herself together, bats eyes at him) You must have fallen for your lovely captive, right?
Zel: (flat stare)
Lina: (sighs) Or maybe not.
Zel: Do you want to escape or don't you?
Lina: Uh, haihaihai. Sure, I'm escaping, I'm escaping. (dashes out after him.)
Scene: the forest is painted in dark ocean-teals: it's still night in the pine-forest. A white boot, closely followed by a dark-grey one, tramps across the grass. Zel and Lina are walking briskly away from the manse.
Lina: So, where are we going?
Zel: (ignores)
Lina: Well, what are you planning to do with me? (this is mostly small talk)
Zel: (ignores)
Lina: (annoyed, then sly) I bet you're leading me into another trap, right? ...Well, whatever. Better than hanging around back there.
Zel: You may reverse that statement before long.
Lina: (tiniest surprised inhalation imaginable, quick recovery) ...He's putting me on.
Scene: The shore of a lake, under a starry sky. There are mountains heading away in the background. Lina is crouched on the shore with her face in the water, slurping. Zel is keeping lookout, a little impatiently.
Lina: (cheerful and triumphant) Ahhh, I feel alive again! A hundred times better! Hey, Zel, how 'bout you?
Zel: (matter-of-fact and uninterested) I'm fine.
Lina: Mou... (pouts a little)
Zel: (eyes dart back and forth)
Lina: He's scared. A powerful warrior like him... I wonder why.
Zel: (no change in tone) You find my face that freakish?
Lina: (waving hands in denial and blurting) Eh? No, I didn't mean anything! It's nothing, really!
Zel: (intense) This face is not mine by choice. Stop staring. (glowers like an offended cat without actually changing expression, pulls hood over head, and turns his back)
Lina: (hand behind head)
Noonsa: (pokes head out of lake, swims over swiftly and silently, and grabs Lina's boot.)
SFX: SPLASH!
Zel: Huh? (turns around, but there's nothing behind him but a ripple) Lina!
Lina: (is still being dragged downwards. Has not yet remembered to stop screaming underwater. Remembers, and kicks Noonsa's hand off her)
Noonsa: Aaagh! (They're in a small area of lake shore, defined by wall-height stacks of rocks. Huh. Lina and Noonsa are facing each other at a distance of three or four meters.) Cutting out on us, huh? I don't like that!
Lina: This guy's gonna be a tough one! Well, then...
Noonsa: I'll fight you! (runs at her squealing, arms waving)
Lina: (stands transfixed in horror until she leapfrogs over his back)
Noonsa: (crashes into muddy wall behind her)
Mud: (I will eat your camera for lunch!)
Lina: (disbelief) What a moron!
Scene: Zel's back up on the shore, watching the water froth. It's starting to get a little lighter out.
Zel: K'so! Such a bother. (series of Zel's Really Cool Poses&trade) Lei Wing!
[Nightfall: Yes, yes, it's usually written Rey Wing. But writing it that way would just be conforming, where as calling it Lei Wing actually makes sense. (points at Lei Magnus)]
[Rabid canon-pushers: HOW DARE YOU?!]
[Non-Amelia-Channelers: ...huh.]
[Non-otaku: ...so lost...]
[Zel: Hello? Back to me?]
Zel: (is enclosed by energy-bubble. Flies into middle of lake and drops like, you should excuse the expression, a--gotcha. A whirlpool opens in the water beneath his bubble and he descends gently through it)
Scene: Noonsa's head is still stuck in the vertical mud.
Lina; Now's my chance! (starts swimming up.)
Noonsa: (finally pulls free. Looks appalled, although it's hard to tell. Goes after her, parabola-style)
Lina: (fish comes at her from above) Erk! (comes back down to floor) Not good. I've got my hands full fighting this guy. I can't hold my breath forever!
[Audience: ...it's been what, at least two minutes already?]
Noonsa: (apparently got stuck in mud again on the way down. Pulls free. Is bruised and cheesed off) Graaa! Gnaaa! (shoots spines out his back)
[Audience: O.O O.o]
Lina: (hiding behind a rock, is less fazed than her viewers) I can't swim out with this going on! I need air! (makes funny face and exhales) ...Zel!
Zel: (next to her in bubble, probably doesn't have time for this. Bubble goes a bit left to envelope her, too)
Lina: (falls to knees and gasps a few times in relief.) Ooh, this air tastes good! Zel, thanks!
Zel: I'm only doing this until I recover the statue. Until then, I can't let you die.
Lina: Mou... (same disappointed pout as before. Shrugs it off a little haughtily) Oh, whatever.
Noonsa: Wha...? (sees bubble. Sees Zel) Gnn!!
Zel: I'll settle this, got that?
Noonsa: (charges, shooting ineffective spines at them)
Zel and Lina: (retreat smoothly from bubble, letting Noonsa charge right into it)
Zel: (with first evidence of enjoyment we've seen on him since his fight with Lina, raises a hand to the bubble) Fireball!
Noonsa: (is crispy)
Scene: a tower of water splashes up from the lake and subsides into waves. Noonsa, scorched and dead, surfaces with one last breath of black smoke. Lina and Zel watch with satisfaction (well, Lina looks satisfied) from the shore.
Lina: He took care of Noonsa.
Zel: (is grim)
Lina: I still can't trust him 100% though.
Scene: They're running through the forest again.
Lina: Taking out his own guys and going after the treasure himself--It could just be a plan to get me to trust him. But...
Action: they volley over a cliff. Zel kind of skateboards down the mountain on his own two heels. Lina, almost a minute later...
Lina: Aiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyi! (ruefully cheerful)...Zero points for style!
Zel: (a bit urgently, and for all the world as though she were not crouched on her heels with a funny face while rubbing her ass) If Noonsa came after us, I imagine the others did as well. We can't lag.
Lina: Hmm...
Zel: What's with you?
Lina: (gets up purposefully) You're doing all this to get the statue, right?
Zel: (surprised affirmative noise)
Lina: So, until then you play bodyguard for me, right? (seems to be proposing a fun game of some sort)
Zel: (a bit taken aback) Well, I guess you could look at it that way.
Lina: Glad to have ya, Zel! (slaps his back. Sprains her wrist.) OW! Hard! (waves it around, opens one eye and snickers sheepishly)
Zel: (earnest and a little wistful) ...You're a very strange girl. (chuckles)
Lina: (raises fist in victory) Yosha! And let's see you cheer up! Let's go! La-tala-tala-tala-talaaa! (marches off cheerfully)
Zel: (sobers, not moving)
Lina: (turns) Huh? What's up? --(gasps)
Rezo: (glows redly from a hundred yards ahead)
Lina: Akahoushi Rezo!
Zel: Che! (belatedly clasps hilt of sword)
Rezo: (brings staff up and down for the jangle, and starts to chuckle)
Zel: (grrrrrr!)
End episode
Novel version of taunting scene. Yes, same format. Buy the book if you want the full version. .
Zolf: (cooing) Sweetheart, I believe we have established that you owe me your life--
[Ed. Note: for not killing her while unconscious)
Zolf: --And I intend to be repaid. Now, where shall we begin, hm?
Lina: Oh, good. He's a psychopath. What exactly did I do to deserve an invitation to this party? Mr. Zolf... sir?
Zolf: Yes?
Lina: (meekly) I just... I just want to--
Zolf: If you want to beg for forgiveness, save it.
Lina: (lowering voice more)It's not that, I just want to say that I think you're...
Zolf: What? Speak up!
Lina: (whispering) I'm embarrassed. I'm young and not very experienced with men. I just want to say that I think you're...
Zolf: What? You think I'm what? Handsome? (leans in close)
Lina: (loudly) THIRD RATE. Gotcha. Sucker.
Nunsa and Dilgear: (explode with laughter)
Zel: (tries not to laugh, fails)
Zolf: (glares)
Lina: Well, that's just terrifying.
Zolf: (smiles) ...Dilgear.
Dilgear: Yeah, Zolf?
Zolf: Kiss her.
Dilgear: (grossed out) WHAAAAA?
Lina: Now that's not exactly the kind of ego boost a girl needs.
Dilgear: (revolted) Please tell me you're kidding?
Zolf: (annoyed) What? Do I ever kid? I'm serious.
Dilgear: But... she's human! And she's plain! And she's a kid, Zolf. She's not... developed, you know what I'm saying? I mean, I like women-women, you know? Like, maybe a hot little cyclops, or... oh! Do you remember that goblin chick we met one time? Remember her? Now that was a woman. I mean, she had a set, right? Not like--
Lina: Oh, just kill me.
Zel: Zolf. Dilgear would prefer not to assist you with this particular task.
Zolf: Hmph. Nunsa then! You kiss her!
Nunsa: Me?
Zolf: Kiss her!
Nunsa: You wish for me to engage the human girl romantically?
Zolf: Yes, kiss her! What else would you--never mind, I don't want to know. Just kiss her!
Nunsa: (unenthused) Very well.
Lina: Wait--no!
Zolf: Yes! Do it! Lock those fish lips on her like she's bait, my good man!
Lina: No! Stay away from me! Stop it!
Nunsa: You are a very lucky human girl. I am the most popular potential mate in my school. The smartest, the handsomest...
Lina: Oh, my god! Seriously? Where do you go to school?
Zolf: Cry! Whimper! Beg for mercy! Suffer as I have suffered!
Lina: Oh, god...
Nunsa: Now then... let us begin.
All: (are queasy)
Nunsa: ...Is there a problem?
Dilgear: Um, Nunsa, what you mean?
Nunsa: (duh) I am waiting for the eggs.
Zel: I believe something about the word 'kiss' may have gotten lost in translation.
Zolf: (lost)
Zel: Nunsa, how do your people mate?
Nunsa: Females lay eggs. Males fertilize the eggs. Some fifteen days later, there are babies.
Lina: Figures. Their females don't want to touch them either.
Zolf: Oh. (disappointed) You couldn't have said something before?
Nunsa: (bewildered) Said something about what?
Zolf: Oh, never mind.
Dilgear: Zolf, I have an idea.
Lina: Oh, this'll be good.
Dilgear: Get Rodimus. He's a human, like her.
Zel: First of all, that's not going to be punishingly awful, now is it? Secondly, Rodimus thinks he's a knight. He won't mistreat a girl merely at my request. You know, chivalry and all that rot.
Lina: This Rodimus has to be the old guy.
Zolf: (whining) The girl is responsible for my condition. I will have vengeance.
Zel: Maybe it's time to let it go, Zolf?
Zolf: No, not yet. (looks at Zel)
Zel: Zolf. I have no interest in making little girls cry.
[Readers: (wooble-eyes) Zel-chaaaaaaan! Y.Y]
Zolf: (near tears) I know, but...
Lina: Hey, don't cry! It's going to be all right. You'll heal up! And how many times do I have to keep telling you people, I'm not a little kid!
Zolf: I have no choice...
Lina: It looks like Zolf finally got the hint.
Zolf: ...I'll have to handle this myself.
Lina: I guess he didn't get the hint.
Zolf: Now then. (takes giant handkerchief out of pocket.)
Lina: W-what's that for?
Zolf: (walks behind her) It's for little girls who don't know when to shut up! (stuffs kerchief into her mouth) Ha ha! Don't have that much to say now, do you? Well, then. (unpleasant smile) You are a RUNT.
Lina: Mmrmfph!
Zolf: And a COW.
Lina: Mmmrugmf!
Zolf: You are a flat-chested runt cow... who is narcissistic. You are a shrew. Your eyes are too big for your face and it makes you look funny. (etc)
Lina: How dare he! If I didn't have a tablecloth shoved in my mouth, I'd bury him! What's not to insult? For starters, he's a big old freak who can't let go of a grudge. Besides the mummy business--and god only knows what's under those bandages!--he's got teeny-tiny feet and he's all bowlegged! Where does he get off insulting my proportions?!
Zel: (bored) I believe you've just about covered it. How much longer to you insist on prolonging this childish nonsense?
Zolf: (turning red) Until I feel revenged.
Lina: Mmrpf! Mmmrumfer! Mfumpfuu, muumrufferfuffer!
End extract